Rantings of a Phresh maniac ...

magic tricks

2011-05-02T02:15:00.000-07:00

I thought I loved the girl before you but damn was I wrong ...
I didn't know what love felt like until I felt your lips on mine
Until every moment was lost in space and time
I couldn't contcentrate because you always stayed on my mind ...
But I just played the fool once again
There was absolutely no way possible that I could win a heart and mind like that
Not with no tricks in my hat
"I need a new girlfriend" you said
That was like a bullet in the
HEART
Thought you were smart
But I caught you
I once had you
Now I've lost you ...
Let the mourning commence ...

Oh how time flies ...

2011-01-18T00:56:00.000-08:00

It's been over a year since I've been here. Had so much going on I haven't taken the time out to really write much of anything. The last post I wrote was about an ex who's been an ex for over a year now ... since then I've accomplished a few things. Moved into my own place. Got a job working for a hospital as a CNA. Met a girl that makes my heart stutter something ridiculous. My kid and nieces and nephews are all a year older. Life moved on.

It's funny how when you go through a break up you feel like the entire world stops and the pain you feel is the worst pain ever and you will never fully heal from it all. But at the end of the day, you make it out okay.

I think I was so involved in that bad situation because I was so dedicated to that girl ... and she broke my heart like nobody had ever done before. I became lowkey obsessed for a minute and couldn't figure out why. But I figured it out eventually ... it was just such a new feeling. I didn't want to let it go. But you can't give love to someone who doesn't want your love. Period.

I found someone who does love me ... and she's amazing. She gives me hope. Even though at times I can't see anyone loving me forever ... if someone could love me forever, it'd be her. She compliments my being just by being ... she's my sunshine.

I'm ready to finish growing up ... I'll be 27 this year. Gotta get my ass back in school. Upgrade this raggedy CNA shit to RN shit and from there hopefully I'll be able to get on some doctor shit ... but for now I'm keeping my goals short-term.

I miss my friends. All of them. I miss my innocence. I miss feeling free. Life is good cuz I'm living but what I wouldn't give to rewind a few years and change a few things. But eh, it is what it is. *sigh* ... oh how time flies ...

Fading pictures ...

2009-09-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Every day I think of her less and less ... I like that. I wrote her this letter and just felt like I had to get it to her ... And when I asked her how I get it to her ... I decided that I didn't really want her to have it. Yup ... I changed my mind lol. I don't wanna be her friend, she didn't appreciate me. I am officially moving forward. I deleted her # from my phone. *sigh* ... That shit was easier than I thought it would be lol. My life is full of people who love and care for me ... I don't need anything less. And from here on out, I won't expect or accept anything less ...

Crumpled photos in a shoe box
Located in the darkest corner in the closet called my heart
A clogged aorta ...
Open heart surgery ...
5 months later and I'm growing
I'm showing ... Myself
How much I don't need you
Figuring out that there is someone out here who needs me
Just as much as I need them ...
Who will love me more than their most important limbs
The way I once loved you
Is the way in which I will someday love again ...

the admission

2009-08-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

I can't describe the satisfaction that comes from making decisions for my future and actually taking the time to evaluate repurcussions! Repurcussions, yall! I made a logical decision, and as much as it hurt, it felt good. It feels good to know that i'm not so blinded by her effect on me as to allow her to stomp another mudhole in my being. I am moving forward, after four months of greiving about a relationship that was nothing more than a illusion ...

Lifted me up
Then let me crash
Nevermind my heart
Only interested in ass
Fooled me once
Then fooled me twice
Oh silly me
Never even put up a fight
I refuse to lose to you
Game over
Bitch, boo.
Bye.

your complication

2009-01-28T05:46:00.000-08:00

am the gatekeeper
the holder of the keys
with just a glance
a simple stare
i can bring you to your knees
but at the end of the day
am i your saving grace
or your complication?
the static sounds horrible on your end
but all i can hear are ballads and beatiful melodies
then your phone rings
i feel like shit because i have no authority
so i deal with the white noise on the other end of your line
the sound that puts a frown on your face so sour
every hour on the fucking hour ...
utilizing the off button doesn't help as much as it should
and though i'll never let go
never give up
never let you leave
i think about it
if only to no longer be your complication
but instead, an awesome memory
soon ... i will be your fabulous present
now ... i am your amazing future
your current complication

i've changed ...

2009-01-24T02:45:00.002-08:00

no longer the little girl i used to be
im full grown now you see
realizing that in order to make it
i have to be the woman that waits inside of me
that means understanding that some dreams may never come true
to provide for my kid
i have to do what i have to do
even if that means show off parts of my body
maybe even act a little naughty
for some extra change
but nothin strange goin on here
im full grown now
trying to ignore the self doubt
but it keeps on comin, comin, comin
no matter how fast im runnin
so i stopped running tonight
either i'll take flight
or i wont
giving up my dreams
letting go of my hopes
somebody else will have to save Haiti cuz according to everyone around me
i can't do it
and that makes me unbelievably sad
but i have to understand
that not everybody understands why i am the way i are
why id rather give my million dollar lotto winnings to Africa
than to buy a big fancy house and cars
so ill focus harder on me myself and i
instead of trying to force the world to view life through my eyes
cant everybody be on my level
so i guess i have to bring myself down a few notches ... or actually ten
guess i have to settle for the less
and simply play the cards ive been given
wish i had a comfort zone
somewhere to run and hide
someone to protect me when i feel the stress all across my hyde
arms to hold me tight
and tell me it will all be alright
but i cant even get a damn phone call
just ornery text messages
and although ive changed ...
its all my fault ...
as usual

*cue the fucking violins*

smoke & mirrors

2009-01-24T02:45:00.001-08:00

it's hard to see the lights through all the fog
nobody ever mentioned that id have to squint my eyes the entire way to heaven
but it is what it is
so hard to give up the things that have become such a big part of me
have to relinquish the evil spirits
let the old me die
and fade away into the darkness they call the night
i am a daywalker now
walking barefoot on a path full of broken glass
pieces of mirrors, hennessy bottles, and hypodermic needles
pill boxes full of tiny white, blue, and orange pills
oh my heart be still
silence is golden
as is kharma
but slient kharma will kill a man
which makes it platinum with black diamond baguettes
let us rid them of their deception sticks
and their balls full of lies
give them pacifiers and coddle them like the babies they prove themselves to be
a man is only a reflection of his circumstances
but choice is always an option
being a good guy is so much harder than being a bad guy
therefore only a few take that road
its too hard they cry
had your heart broken too many times
well multiply it by a thousand and you still couldn't understand the pain endured by the rib who carried an entire body, mind, and soul in her uterus for nine months and counting
only for you to leave her
mentally, physically, and emotionally
for you to give her diseases
and resonate how worthless she is in your plight
no longer will she fight
letting go of hope
to faith, i stay holding on tight

suicidal

2009-01-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

i committed suicide yesterday
it was easier than i thought
i just emptied the bottle
pill by pill
until i no longer felt distraught

i committed suicide last week
it just took a little pressure
pressed down hard on with the knife on my wrist
never had i felt fresher

i committed suicide last month
didnt even have to think
i put the chamber up to my skull
and waited for the trigger to clink

i committed suicide
in her arms i died
it was the hardest thing ive ever done
and for me ... she didnt even cry

and i cant blame her

grass aint always greener

2008-12-31T01:41:00.000-08:00

ignorance and disobedience send me into a whirlwind of tragedy
catastrophe after catastrophe
its the blind leading the blind up in this piece
obama can't see no better than you or me
and he aint gonna end poverty
but folks seem to think he's the start
of a land full of white folks with big ol' hearts
the white bitch that birthed me, turned on me
so how i can i rely on anybody?
the deed has been done
i trust no one
well, other than the son and the sun
the son played it out perfectly
three, two, one
and i can count on the sun to burn through the ozone layer just like its supposed to
nobody has to say "i told you"
cuz we knew what it was gone do.

but you?
never that
tell me one thing
take it back
sell me a dream
realize im black
and just to get a rise in your pants
you watch the black girl cry
and then you take it back ...
again.

just like the forty acres and that mule my great great grand daddy never seen
and the crown you ripped from the head of the African queen
that i am ...
or rather
was supposed to be.

you and your baggy jeans
all on the hip hop scene
"I got that Busta! I got that T.I.! I got that Wayne!"
what you need to do is pick up a book
and feed your fuckin brain
stop trying to assimilate those that have been dubbed as American's stain
cuz at the end of the day
as hard as you try
the tribulations you go through are entirely different from mine
so you'll never understand what it is to be on this side
of the fence
don't take offense
i'm just being honest.

so understand that when i say that
you cant see me
and that you suck at trying to be me
it's actually because my ancestors were never seen
so i dont even know who im tryna be
cuz i have no idea where i come from
and that's why the grass has never been green
on this side of town

Red Lights ...

2008-12-31T00:31:00.000-08:00

She fell and she couldn't get up
Stopped giving a fuck
She had no luck
And no one to trust
All she could ever depend on was lust
She brought it out of every man, woman, and child
Even drove animals wild
With her seductive style
And her Renaissance smile
SEX
Was what they saw, smelled, and felt all over her
She had no idea how or why
But when she looked into peoples eyes
SEX
All she's good for
A natural born whore
Good for nothing
Other than fucking
Cuz whats loving got to do with it?

Give thanks, Be Merry, ... and remember that your rent is still due January 1st

2008-12-25T18:41:00.001-08:00

I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy holiday season this year full of joy, happiness, and cheer! I'd also like to remind everyone that Southern California Edison did indeed mail out electric bills this month along with your local gas company. Let's not have alllll the kids brand new PSP's to only be able to play in the dark ... and use them for lighting the path to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Have a safe and happy holiday everyone!!

cool on me ...

2008-12-17T21:59:00.000-08:00

Love totally sucks for me most times ... more tears than smiles ... more wasted time than significant miles ... hence all the dreary poetry lol. I'm over it ... just went over the shit I wrote and realized some of it was good enough to post here for my fam to read. Hit me on my aim ... (its a new one) : thephreshone ... and tell me what you think (outside of the fact that I always pick the crazy girls to fall in love with lol) :)

Cool on me

Oh, so now you cool on me?
You been cool on me unless it has something to do with YOUR enjoyment
Wasn't prepared for my deployment and now you mad cuz I'm hurt
How the fuck am I supposed to feel?
Just fuckin fine ... because you feel just fuckin fine
Absolutely divine
Hiding behind your shrine
You can only worship a non-diety for so long before God plays ping pong with your skull
Don't try to play me dull
I'm the doublemint flavor the worlds been missing
And as far as I'm concerned
You're void and null
Cool on me, huh?
That fits into your plan perfectly
"Let's play with her mind"
These chicks seriously get off by jerking me
But it's all gravy ...
Cuz I'm super.
Thanks for asking.

an angry heart

2008-12-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

im takin two steps forward
three steps back
ease the fuck up off me
gimme some slack
were all allowed to make mistakes
the funk
we sometimes have no choice but to fake
and at the end of the day
the only one who has to look at me in the mirror is me
same goes for you
so you should be doin everything that you feel is best for you
but you cant expect me not to be upset
cant expect for me to feel no regret
im not really mad at you
i have no reason to be
you made your choices in what you wanted
what you needed
and it turned out that its not me
and thats okay
but i still feel like shit about it
yet and still
ill get over it and past it and way far beyond it
you aint the first horse to buck my ass off into the barnyard
im safe in here for now
and being mad and "blaming" you is what i need to do
so just let me do it
when you read my pissy status messages
feel free to say "screw it"
cuz to be honest
right now, i dont care how you feel about me
love it or hate it
im still gonna shine
you're just a minor speed bump
ill be just fine
in time
now bask in the ambiance of my angry heart

StyleFree'in ...

2008-12-17T21:56:00.000-08:00

the lack of love i feel from you to me
is moreso the reflection of the lack of love from me to me
why pour honey in your drink, if its not hot tea?
and if you know i dont know the answer, then why ask me?
if the only time i see the magnificence held within
is when i have your juices on my chin
then i aint worth much then
if me causing you to explode from the inside out
is what its all about
i aint shit
cuz a vibrator or a shower head can give you the same satisfaction
matter fact its some hoes on pch lookin
for work they been askin
they can give you the same damn reaction
i know im flashin
my insecurities just a little
i need love like fat bastard needs victuals
and im starved for affection
its like an 8 hour erection
HARD to deal with
sick of the lame shit
if i've ever seen "weak sauce" this is it
just wanna be down like brandy
cuz you're sweet
like candy
you make me randy
with your talk of college banter
your stories of the hereafter
hell, just hearing your laughter
makes me want you
causes me to taunt you
throughout the night until you let me toss you
up
i just stopped givin a fuck
call me wrecking ball
and be prepared to fall
cuz when me and my bitches step through the door - (say it wit me now)
girlz all pause ...

lol ... freestyles are fun lol

roses do grow from concrete sometimes ...

2008-12-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

realization: i am my sperm donors daughter. i was hanging out with my friend naomi today ... just talking about me ... and i realized why i am the way i am. i am the emotional wreck i watched my father be every single day he was in my life. he wanted so badly to be loved by my mother. he wanted her to show it. he wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that she'd ride and or die for him. she was never good at showing affection. the shit drove him crazy. literally. it was like the lack of want and need sent him to a place he never came back from. he loved her so much that he forgot to love his kids. he craved love like trees do water. like fiends do crack. but she just wasnt the same way as he was. she was cold. kept to herself. no need for small talk or friendly conversation. small kisses when passing by one another and smacks on the behind would be non-existant if she'd had her way. although she didnt offer her love willingly, he pushed for it. he tried so hard. and for twenty years she played him like a sucker. twently years. all because he wanted so badly to be loved. i will not be him. i will love me enough to find the want and need for validation from others absolutely unnecessary. i will hug me. i will kiss me. i'll rub my own damn back. make a romantic dinner for me, myself and i. ill massage my own calves and wear pretty lingerie just for me. ill get up earlier in the mornings to exercise and meditate. i will get myself in line. i will focus on my number one. me. because at the end of the day, if i dont lavish myself with the things i know i deserve, why should anybody else want to do it??

lemonade

2008-12-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

i've got a lot of lemons. you'd think i have a lemon tree growing out of my butt. so right now, this instant, i've decided to make lemonade. yep. lemonade. i just need sugar. and water.

hmmm ... can anybody tell me where the hell i'm supposed to get some sugar and water from?

so much for lemonade ... does anybody have the ingredients for fruit punch? I'll bring the petron to spike it with!!!

holding hands

2008-12-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

i bet that if you'd just let me walk with you ... through the park

and innocently pick at the loose piece of string at the end of your coat lapelle

that i could get you to let me hold your hand ... eventually

that if you'd just let me open your car door before i open mine

whether you're driving, directing, or just along for the ride

one long strong stare into your eyes

i bet i could give you butterflies

because to be honest

you make my heart flit a little bit

when i see you, it beats just a tad faster than normal

i call it paranormal

extraterrestrial

bet its correctional

the edit>undo to my typo

the Presidents' executive pardon to my guilty verdict

the trampoline to my highwire fall

and you don't even know it

won't ever even know it

because i'm too scared of the feeling i'll i'd feel if you say no

were i ask you to hold your hand

wandering aimlessly

2008-12-03T13:46:00.001-08:00

torn. confused. upset. abused.

she lied to me. told me she loved me when she really loved someone else so much more that there was no room for me. and there never would be.

she told me the truth. told me she wasn't ready. that she wasn't sure if i was what she wanted. that she really loved someone else so much more, that she wasn't sure there would be any room left for me.

he lied to me. told me he loved me when he didnt even know what love was. wasnt sure how to give it. completely ignorant on how to receive it. he never told me that he'd given almost all he had to give to her and there would be none left for me.

he told me the truth. he loved me and he proved it a million times over every single day. when i asked, he answered. i understood him. and he understood me. he told me that he'd given a lot of what he'd had to her ... but he knew in his heart that there would be enough left for me ... that is, when the time came.

dark alleys, wide streets, rain drops, rover jeeps ... im wandering ... aimlessly ...

strutting down dark alleys

running down wide streets

pretending my tears are really just rain drops

waiting to be run over by the next rover jeep

someday: the occurence of cessation

2008-12-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

so i quit smoking cigarettes. i didnt even know that id quit. i have a whole pack sitting right here looking at me. no, they're not talking to me. my cigarettes have never talked to me. i talk to them, but its always a one way conversation. they never respond to me when i speak. whatever. anyways, yeah. i woke up yesterday and realized i hadn't had a cigarette in days. didnt want one either. dont feel the need or the urge. the scent is too strong for some reason now. smells like if i pulled a newport right now it'd rip my throat out from my tonsils all the way down my damn espohagus. i guess i should be more excited about it or something. considering i wasnt even trying though makes this sort of a non-goal. everybody says they're gonna quit ... someday. im one of those people. thats what i told people when they asked me about quitting. someday. i guess today is my someday. im happy for my mouth lol. really. i always figured that if i ended up with some gnarly mouth or throat cancer giving head would be a hard task ... and id be very upset if the womans body was no longer an option for dinner ... seriously. so yeah, yay me.

if i let her steal my heart ...

2008-12-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

if i let her steal my heart

i am positive that it will never beat again

never will it feel another sensation

push another ounce of blood through my vessel

surely, it will die

i can't let her steal my heart

even an attempt could cause total shock

ill go into cardiac arrest

because sooner than later, she will shoot me in my chest

knowing that i dont wear a vest

and down ill go

like the geese that soar north when the seasons change

only to realize they went the wrong way

and are now in the hunters shooting range

i wont let her have my heart

no way

and its not up for sale

i just know that if she steals my heart

she will break it

and the world

for me,

will go stale